The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……

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