Habits are Hard to break

Well, that didn’t Turn out very well. I had 7 days to try and stay clean until I go see my Therapist and Now, I only have 2 days until I meet with her. Guess I have how many days clean, none. Every morning I wake up and I say nope not doing it today. Then I say nope! I’m not going to flush the stuff down the toilet either. Such addict behavior!! Like any of this makes sense. Normal people would do the logical thing and throw it out, so they don’t get the urge to get high. Well, my head says let’s not throw it out because just knowing its near me makes me feel better. You know just in case I need it for an emergency… What in the hell kind of emergency says you better take your Meth now? I really can’t wait to stop thinking with a Meth brain which Tells me I am making perfectly great sense. And I really can’t wait to stop thinking my ass is Wonder Woman and I’m on top of my game when my ass is really hiding in the bathroom smoking her shit all day. I’m aware of all these things I’m doing and what I am not doing but I just can’t seem to stop the chaos. It’s a struggle because I love smoking meth. I love the feeling I get with it. I love the sex I love the confidence I get. (that’s the Wonder Woman in me I talk about) I love that it numbs my entire soul, therefore i don’t need to feel anything. I can just slide through my days without feeling them. No problems, no happiness when happy things happen, and no sadness when someone dies. The sad thing is that I know I really want to feel again, I just don’t what they even feel like. It has been way to long. My body is in overload wanting to let these feelings out. I can only imagine how emotional that is going to be when they come out. Now that I have spilled the beans and told my therapist I need help there is no turning back. If I’m honest, I am already feeling sad because I will miss it. I got used to who I became while I was high. I forgot Who I am not high. But I know it was taking me down slowly and consistently after every single day for the past four years. It’s time to do the work and go reintroduce myself.

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