Loosing Your Family…..To COVID

I lost my dad , my mom, and my Grandma last year to covid. I lost them in a 3 week time span, It was so unexpected and it all happened so fast that it just didn’t feel real. I had no feelings when they died. It was such a strange feeling to loose both of my parents at once. The Loss I felt inside of me was so overwhelming. When I went to see my mom at the hospital to take her of life support on my birthday, I stood over her body and looked at her for the longest time. I kept thinking she was going to open her eyes and wake up. Her skin looked so good .She didn’t look like someone who was about to die. She looked like she was taking a nap. I waited there at her bedside, surrounded by fifty other COVID patients on life support waiting to die, and I just didn’t understand how she was not going to ever wake up again. She cant die. She’s my mom. and my mom is not supposed to die and leave me alone. The last time I spoke to her she was giving me this guilt trip about not seeing my grandma enough and that she was dying and I should have went to see her more. I got mad at her and hung up the phone on her. She called back but I didn’t want to talk to her because I was mad. So I let the phone ring and didn’t pick up. I hated the guilt trips she would give me . My mom would give you the shirt on her back and nothing but unconditional Love, But you can better belive she will come back to you someday and throw that guilt trip out and make you feel horrible. My Grandma died 2 days before my mom died and the only good thing that I can try to look at this was that neither my mom or my grandma had to see each other die. They didn’t know eachother died because after my grandma died My mom was in the hospital getting more sick very rapidly so I decided it was not a good idea to tell her. My mom was an addict too. THere were alot of things I didn’t get a chance to tell my mom and It makes me angry because although she was my best friend, she also was the person that helped get me hooked on Vicodins. When I was 19 My mom would make me go the urgent cares in town and she would give me cash and tell me to tell them I had back pain and then they would give me a bottle of vicodin. She took me around to each urgent care and then once I got the bottle she would share them with me. During that time I didn’t think much of it but later on in life when I had to get help to get clean the first time I had to work so hard to get off those dame pills and I still have to work hard everyday to tell myself to not take any pills. And Im mad that Im an addict. I am mad at my mom for this. She was supposed to protect me, not party with me. Our entire relationship became based on pills and getting high together. Yes we had some fun times, but I wanted a mom more that a party cool mom. I didn’t want the mom who stole my cocaine on my prom night from me and my friends, or the the mom who made out with one of my friends once at my party. I didn’t want the mom who went out every weekend and brought home a different guy every Saturday night to our house. I didn’t want the mom who made me feel like I was her mom my entire teenage life. I wanted her to know how it affected my life with her poor choices. I wanted her to own the things she did wrong and admit she was an addict. But she never did and now she’s gone. I’m made she left me here alone. My dad too. I have yet to grief for the loss of all three of them and I am just starting that process. Smoking Meth will rob you of your feelings so you dont have to feel emotions. You think its fine in that moment but I am just now today after their death a year ago , learning how to feel the fact that they are gone now and I have to find a way to reif them and let it go so i can move on. I am having to do twice the grieving it feels like now that I held it in this long,

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