Today I started feeling emotions for the first time in 4 years. There are so many feelings going through my body that I dont know what to fucking do with them. I am overwhelmed with emotions and the tears just keep flowing. I cant sit through anything without crying. Even my god damn Yoga class made me cry. I hate feeling this much emotion. Especially when I dont know what I’m crying about. I want to go home. I miss my home and I miss my life. I have no control here. I will say that I find the classes interesting and enjoyable. I like the spiritual programs and the way they look at at addiction here. They believe its not a disease and they work on the root of the problem, which is usually some childhood trauma or something in your life that has made you want to numb your pain. I know my parents raised me well up until the divorce happened. Once the divorce happened, my life changed and my grades dropped. My self esteem died and I my soul died when they divorced. The back and fourth to each parents house was alot for me and I hated it. I felt like I was having to please both parents and I didnt want to watch them compete for me not did I want to disappoint either of them. It was so hard to try and make both of them happy with me.
Im not sure if thats is why I use today but I do know that my own divorce has affected my world and I feel like I let my own children down with the break up of my ex husband and I . I feel like my son got that short end of the stick and didn’t get to have a mom and dad that were together through his entire childhood. It wasn’t fair to him. I feel guilty for that. I struggle with a relationship with my daughter because I feel like she hates me, or she looks down on me, and I m not totally sure why. Maybe its the drug use shes mad at? Maybe I wasn’t the mom she wanted or thought I should be. I guilt trip a lot and that is something I struggle with because my mom did that to me and I hated it. So why i do it to her, I dont know. I dont want to be my mother and I feel like I have become my mother. The recent loss of my mom, my dad, and my my grandma has killed my soul. I dont get why I keep getting dealt these shitty cards in my life but I want good to come and I just want to be happy. I want to be clean, and I want to live life and be happy. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know I need to stay here and use this opportunity to its fullest. I’m gonna give it my best shot. But its hard and its alot of work . Im more scared of going home and staying clean. That worries me the most.